sick and TIRED

AHADSHFAEWTAHDSFANDSGAFSGHSDG

I'm STUCK. Stuck in my own life. In my own body. Stuck by the gravitational pull that keeps me near all the chaos in my life. I'm stuck and I don't know how to get out of it, and yet its my own fault. I am the my own enemy.

The people in my life that I consider close friends, I now reconsider. I feel like they aren't really there to help me, they just want a pretty girl to party with and can share gossip together. FUCK THAT. I'm done with the ritzy ditzy "he he he he he!" ::twirling hair:: bitches that I've surrounded myself with. I'm done. I want to meet some I can relate to, someone thats SOMEWHAT like me. I seriously feel like I'm stupifying myself and bringing myself lower and far far from what I can be and who I can be hanging out with. THESE GIRLS are practically from another planet! Sometimes I listen to what they have to say and I sit there without any expression or any word coming from my mouth. Only the thought "are you fucking serious? I can't believe you think thats so funny..." Maybe it's me though. I just can STAND those type of girls that are so into themselves and think that their world is alllllllll about finding boys, getting their nails done, going tanning, and of course uhhh partying. I like to party. It keeps my mind of boys that I like and I usually end up having a good enough time where I can forget about it. That is where I usually end up running into girls like the ones I'm talking about.

ok I can probably say who it is because I dont think she'll ever read this but its my roommate sarah. I don't mean to bad mouth people I call my good friends but I can't keep this one in! It's driving me nuts and I know if I confront her about it it would just cause a mess so I figure it's better off if I just let it slide. anyway, heres the story: I've been sick, really sick for the past week or so. She's been around. Hasn't really helped much though as far as being there for me while I'm sick. More on the side like "omg stay away I can't get sick!!" and I'm like cool whatever... when I get sick I tend to get really depressed. not just because I feel like shit. But anytime I had any trouble. my mom would be right by my side. she was so anxious to help me any way she could. I write this and my eyes tear up. I didn't realize how good of a mom she was and now I don't have her, hah I don't even have anyone remotely like her in my life. So anyway, I was sick and alone and depressed this past week. No one was there to take care of me besides my brother that came over one night, which meant alot. I sobbed alot this past week. I cried my eyes out one night, I just couldn't stop. Anyway, sarah would come home and her eyes would just wander when she said hi awkwardly and then she would talk about her day and then she would tell me to clean this or that when I could. I dunno.... I just found it kinda disrespectful man. no love from her I feel like.

THEN, two nights ago, I'm working allllll day long and she calls right as I'm getting off work to see if I needed a ride. I was thrilled that she offered and I waited right where and when she said she was going to pick me up. then, I see her and a work buddy walking towards me. she told she was going to hang out at rock bottom for a while, and not only that she was yayed out of her mind. she offered me some of it to 'clear my sinuses.' I looked at her like she was crazy to say that and then I said hell no. After waiting a while, I begged my brother to pick me up and take me home, and he did THANKFULLY. I went home and pretty much passed out right away. 1 am rolls around and sarah and 4 other people come through the door and sarahs like "hey!! I've invited some people over! wanna party?" I freaked out and wondered why she would bring people over when I'm sick. she barked back at me saying "uhh well you always invite people over when I'm sleeping and I dont say anything" .... like wtf? does she not get that I'm S-I-C-K? I go in her room to try to go back to sleep and she comes in and asks me why I'm crying "is it bryan? is it work? is it your dad?" I opened my eyes and looked at her and said "NO sarah its YOU. now leave me alone."

the next morning I wake up and I noticed they all drank my wine that my brother gave me. I about had it, but instead I go up to sarah and ask "so you drank all my wine huh?" and shes like "uhh no! I don't know who did. must have been someone else... sorry!" and walks away. I know she drank some and she just lied to my fuckin face. AHH whatever man. I'm still hella pissed off at her and she doesnt know. I'm still not quite sure if I should say anything to her about it or if I should just let this whole thing pass. I dunno. lets just say... the next friend I get is not going to be a blonde. haha. serously.