OH it VENTING time... watch out.

AHHH

today sucked. I worked all day and it was normal like always... which is fun. But where I'm at in my life is whats bothering me. I keep writing about this but I can't help it. It's how I feel and I need to let it out. I talk to people alot about my personal life... sometimes I wish I didn't but I NEVER talk about what I'm about to say. I can't stand how I have managed to become what I've become. I think I'm depressed. Because every time I get my own alone time... I think about this shit. If I wanted to I could cry my eyes out right now... thats how I feel. But I won't. Crying is a weakness and I'm stronger than that. I just can't stand living in this body. I want out... I want to run wild in a open feild and fall down on my knees and look into the depths of the sky.. the sun. I want to feel the breeze hit me with my arm wide open, ready to take in what my life has in store for me.

My life is too flushed into daily gossip, drunken nights, the same sh*t I do every weekend, and feelings for people I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH. I'm confused. I hate the feeling and I wish I never let myself fall for him. he's torn me up. I'm breaking and I CANT STAND IT. I'm not even mad at him either. I'm livid at myself though. I should have stayed strong... like I always am.

I need to get out of here... I need to go somewhere else and forget about the present for a while. I want to learn and teach myself new things. And if I'm not going to school right now ... what better time to do it? April is when our lease for our apartment is up. I don't know where I'm going but I'm getting out of here.. Who knows, maybe I won't come back either.

I feel like I'm running in circles right now... yeah. Just when I think I'm about to get somewhere, I realize I'm just back to where I started. And it goes on like a 'vicious cycle.' AHAHDalerk can someone just show me a way? Because apparently I'm just a lost soul making a fool out of myself.

I have more to say ... I always have more to say. But I'm done writing for now... I'm getting a headache realizing this sh!t.