"Tomorrow will be different from today which was different from yesterday"

Today is Monday. Thursday is my 21st birthday and frankly, I'm terrified of it! This whole weekend is going to be carelessly stirred into a drunken, but LEGAL, act of madness. I wish my stomach could be strong enough for what it's about to endure.

In other news of my life, I seemed to have let my emotions fade and make myself more numb to situations I would normally have feelings for. For instance, doing what I want and not what I need to do to give back what others want. FOR INSTANCE, Doug. If he were to read this he would probably think I'm a nutcase, which lets face it I AM! My best friend even sees it though. She told me the other day, "You know, as much as you shouldn't be hanging out with Doug because he's a douche, I really like seeing you two together." I see the man almost every day and whenever I do, I get jittery and want to act upon what I'm imagining in my head, BUT I KNOW I can't. It's not right yet, and it can only get that way if we actually hang out one on one, talk and solidify the feelings that we want to feel with eachother. He told me the other night when we were about to pass out after a long night of drinking that he wanted to go out on a date with me. LIKE AN ACTUAL DINNER AND MOVIE DATE! I never thought he would say it after all the crap in the past we went through and talked about and agreed that dating eachother wouldn't be the right answer right now. I wanted to freak but instead I replied with a quick, "yeah? cool we should." I just hate giving up feelings for a person and not get what I want out of it, even worse them seeing how much feelings I have for them. At least I got that under control!!

ANYWAY, this last weekend I took a break from Douglas and his friends (kinda) and went off to CANADA for the first time!! I was so stoked. I am acquainted with this guy that is considered in my group of friends as the High-Maitenance, Insecure, Party-crazed Meathead! Anyway, he invited me and whoever else I wanted to bring that was a female (of course) to Canada!! His best friend is the owner of a night club in Seattle, who would be the complete opposite of him, invited him along. He then invites every girl he knows to come along, which wasn't exactly what his best friend instructed him to do. So in all actuality we really weren't that welcome but my party acquaintance sure made it seem so! He even drove us up there in his lifted, black, muscle truck he likes to show off. We get there and meet up with these guys immediately start getting ready to go out. The time comes around midnight and we finally get out to the first club. It was alright, for about the first 5 minutes and then me and my girlfriends start to get bored. We tell everyone that we were going to see what else is in Vancouver and that they were all welcome to come and they all get offended. So we blew them all off for the rest of the night and went our own way around town! Granted we couldn't get into alot of places because I guess you have to be 21 and kristen only had her temporary ID, but we DID indeed get into a few places. One of them is where we met some aussies!! It was awesome... we brought them all back to the hotel with us by the end of the night and oh boy, the guys that were paying for our room who we bailed on earlier definitely got alittle heated. We brushed it off though and partied our butts off until all hours of the night.

The NEXT morning is what BLEW. Our Aussie friends left us and so did the people that we came with to grab breakfast. Noon, 1 o'clock, 2 o'clock rolls around and I start getting pissed. I seemed to have gotten angrier and angrier after every minute that went by! FINALLY they show up at 2:30 and I am ready to punch a wall. We finally get into some other dudes car because the guy we came with didn't want to leave yet and left. I was so upset I hardly talked the whole way home. The main reason why I got so upset was because I had to work that evening and I ended up being almost 3 hours late!!! Not only that, but I had not one bite of food until 6 in the evening when the fucker finally dropped us off and we drove to the first fast-food joint that we knew. That whole day sucked ass but the night before definitely kicked ass!

ANYWAY, I've been procrastinating the clean-up of my bedroom that I was supposed to dedicate the whole day for and now I only have about an hour to spend on. haha wooopsy.

later days.

m ihasdkijahsdr

TORN UP

OK.

Days for me have been sort of a blur. To catch up, i finally moved out of my apartment and moved in with my dad down the street for two months. I know sucks right? But I plan on moving out shortly and moving in with 3 other girls in a house!! fucking can't wait for that.

I have realized that I've been working at Rock Bottom for almost a year and a half now and it's not the place for me anymore. I have been asking around, looking for job opportunities constantly and FINALLY found someone that knows the owner of a nice, up-scale restaurant. YES. I really can't wait to get out of where I'm working right now. The following thoughts are only some of the reasons why.....

I NEVER like to date people that I work with. And recently I have bit myself in the ass for doing what I've done. Throughout all of the guys I was dating, I realized that I really came to like this one guy, DOUG. I spent the last few weeks with him and, to be frank, it has been a huge drunken fest. I know, not healthy to start out if you like someone, but I DO. He just doesn't mesh right with me though. When I wake up in the morning, I want him to hold me and make sure I'm doing alright before he starts his day. But lately when I wake up with him, he gets up and leaves me there. We could hang out the whole day SOBER together without one once of affection and then when the night comes around and we start drinking, he actually gets more into me. I like it but I know in the back of my head that it's just wrong. I'm not showing him girlfriend material but only because he's not showing me that he's really into me!!!

TONIGHT, I invited a girl over that Doug made out with one drunken night. I went to highschool with her and we talk to eachother alot about our problems. She's great at giving advice but at the same time she stabs me RIGHT in the back. For instance, tonight we all decided to start drinking right? Doug and I are acting completely as friends. The girl I invited over that I went to highschool with, Xochilt, gets more close to him as the night goes on. Completely non shalon but she should have known better than to playfully flirt with him tonight like she did. (i know I sound like the jealous dramatic gossping bitch right now but at least it's not said to another person god damnit!!) Regardless, i saw what was happening and I just let it go. Towards the end of my stay there tonight I sat by myself and tried to get a hold of someone to come pick me up. I finally found a ride home, thank god. The reason is because there was a point where I was like, "where did Xochilt go?" and then I walked into Dougs room and there she is passed out on his bed. I yelled out to her before I left, "BYE!! see you tomorrow!!" and fucking left. I am so frustrated right now!!!

I know i need to just keep my cool and let this whole thing boil over. It's just hard seeing him be the way he is, hear the things he says right in front of me when we have something. I'm not saying we are together, but we really have something. He doesn't fucking think about other people and it's really fucking bothering me. I know we are young and feelings like this are pretty much artificial because I know it's not going to last, BUT I SEE POTENTIAL WITH THIS GUY AND I WISH HE COULD ACT UPON IT!!!

I FUCKING LIKE DOUG. I know I need to get over it.

I just don't want to.

:-(

I know it's late. I just got home from watching a CRAZY movie, VACANCY. It definitely gave me the jitters. But what's worth writing about is what happened after. I saw my brother at a bar down the street and I thought Iw ould stop by and say my hellos. My brother is a businessman and is very good at it. Tonight he met some people that really appreciated that. I came in and felt like I was put in the corner for a reason! This older man he was talking to asks me simply, "what is your motivation in life?" I answer back, "My motivation is to learn from the mistakes and lessons I've made and that people around me have made to get where I want to go in life." He asks me why immediately right after and I was stumped. He was testing me not only on my quickness but to see who I am as a person. It was kinda weird not going to lie but I felt like at that moment I was looked down upon almost. This guy was surely a character. By the end of the night I became less aggitated with the man and he ended up liking me. haha figures.

Speaking of, the whole dating thing right now is definitely becoming a mess. As I spend more time with the guys that have asked me out, my strengths of my interests for each one of them are surfacing. It's like its getting down to the wire and I'm being pressed to make a choice because, in all reality, I can't juggle all of them at once. I'm not that much of a player. haha

Anyway, lately I've been blowing off my ex-boyfriend and nhanie and Doug and Justin have made it into the finalist!! haha. Just recently, I've been trying to figure out which one I can see myself with more. I realized it was Doug. I work with him so he witnesses all the drama and gossip that goes on where I work. Monday night we hang out, drink, socialize and he tells me the sweetest things and makes me feel like I'm the most important person in the room. That could be because he was around mostly all my friends and in my place. Tuesday night comes around and the tables turn completely. I go over to his house and there is no attention or interest that I receive from him. I figured, meh fine I'll just wait until he cmes around and do my own thang. But he never did. IN FACT, he was spending more time with another girl that we work with and flirting with her. I would see them talking to eachother throughout the night and felt like a fool. Then the end of the night rolls around, and by that point I'm curled up in a ball almost in tears and I hear him go to her and ask if she wants to go hot tubbing!?!? I had it and I ran up the stairs in the bathroom. I looked in the mirror and saw how pathetic I looked. So I dried my eyes, fixd my hair and came out like nothing had phased me. And there he is standing by his room asking me if I want to come in. I told him "at this point I'm ready to sleep on the couch." then he pulled me in and we talked. I found out that the reason why he chose to purposely not talk to me this whole night was because he heard I was dating other people!!! I knew someone would spill the beans. But he can't expect me to not meet guys and hang out with them RIGHT when he's just acquring all these feelings for me. I would drop them in a second IF I knew for a fact that he was going to be with me. But I told him at this point I just don't know what you want to hear. I'm dating YES but I'm not going around fucking everyone, which is probably what you're hearing from the whores that work at our restaurant. I'm DIFFERENT.

So by the end of the night I crawled in bed with him and the next morning he decides to ignore what we talked about last night, so it was kind of awkward. I just wanted to scream!! I was really building a hard crush on him! I feel like it's just gone to shit but we're see. We see eachother at work tomorrow so I guess we'll see how that goes. I feel like he's just going to take the peace card and ignore the whole thing and peace out. haha. whatever man, another reason why I just shouldn't open up my mind and feelings with someone I really like. it's so hard though. And thats all I want is to sit at home and spend all my time with one person that can make me happy and feel the same way as I do. AGH big dreamer over here right?

I just want to get away from here. Get a new job, new home, new life and know that this is exactly what I'm supposed to be doing. I feel like I'm making all the wrong steps and ultimately leaves me farther and farther from where I begun.

I'm going to sleep away this complexity of feelings that boggles my mind every day. RAR. life sucks sometimes man.

MOOD: tired :-( but relieved I'm finally sitting here at home by myself.
SONG: "Fall Away" by the Fray. good fuckin song man
Quote: "If you lose control you lose everything."

"You're not moving fast enough!"

Why does it feel like life keeps telling me that? Do you ever feel like no matter how fast you run, you still haven't moved an inch? That's how I feel. I have a terrible conscience I think. I just want to conquer the world and all the problems that surround it!! I hate feeling like my head is going to blow up from worrying about the next step I need to take.

I started to work out today to relieve myself from those problems. I plan on keeping a nice pattern of working out. I feel like if I can do that, I can do anything! Keep myself focused on working out, then I can stay focused on my problems without running, solve them, then never have to worry about it again! yeahha.

My realization of the day is who gravitates towards me. Lately, it definitely hasn't been some of the girls that I work with. I would never think of saying it to their face but to be quite honest, some of the girls I work with are whores. They sleep around alllll the time, and the guys are mostly the customers that come into our restaurant. Their behavior is just so highschool that it honestly disgusts me. YET, everyone loves the gossip they bring to the table about the guy they screwed with the night before. EW. I'm going to admit, I'm an open person but I do also have a life outside of the Rock Bottom and not everyone that I work with has to be involved in my life. Lately, I have realized to keep my mouth shut on my opinions and whats going on in my personal life. They can't use it against otherwise. Funny how I enjoy about 90% of the guys that work there as opposed about 40% of the girls that work there. The guys just stay out of the drama or just laugh when its brought up, but they are much more fun to talk to and be around. I feel like I have to fake myself to act the way they do!!

I have to mention that there is this guy I met at Rock Bottom, who comes in all the time since I've worked there. He's cute, aliiiittle too gangster or whatever you must call it to me, but is completely genuine. He has alot of manners and has a great personality!! I think I have a crush on him. I have kissed him and cuddled with him but thats it. He told me he likes me alot too... and I'm thinking he's hoping for me to be his girlfriend. I don't know though. I'm kind of steering away from him but he keeps following so we'll see where this goes. ahh the anticipation.

Not only him has been interested in me lately but I've been getting hit on from all directions of men! No joke. It's nice to be single, young and attractive thats for sure!! haha.

I'm off to relieve this headache I have recently acquired, probably from typing too much. Update more later.

Miki

Mood: Better, refreshed, relieved the day is over :)
Wanting: This headache to go away and cheesecake upstairs
Song: Papa Roach "Forever"
Quote: From one of the whores at Rock Bottom: "I'll get whatever I can take"

ALLERGY SEASON

I woke up this morning and I couldn't open my eyes! I pried the lids open with my fingers. They crusted over the night before. I looked in the mirror and they were puffy and red. ahgggg ... every fucking spring this happens. I don't mind it right now though. There's ALOT of drama in my life right now, and I'm glad I have another complaint on all the things that are wrong in my life to use as an outlet from the drama that has gravitated towards me. Was that a run-on sentence? whatever.

My manager just called and wants me to work allllll day today and not just half with compliments of lunch and dinner. I guess I have something going my way so far today. Tuesdays suck I realized. Wedged in there between monday and wednesday. There's nothing to look forward to and nothing to look back on. It's a big BLAH day.

My goal today is to not answer my phone. No texting. No calling. No answering. I want to pretty much exist today with a structured routine. I feel like a dead person walking today. You don't need to watch out for me... I won't even be there when you see me.

GOD: I wish you had the power to rewind my life. I think I've been corrupted and I don't know how to be an innocent young being again. I wish I could just let go of all the things that are supposed to make me stronger, but weak as hell at the same time. I just want to lay in the grass with the sun as a blanket on my skin, then begin with a head start, JUMP and land in crystal clear water. WATER. No human on this earth can live without it. I certainly can't. I find water satisfying. You jump in holding your breath about to experience a complete change of body and soul than what you were just in a moment ago. The water hits your hands and works its way to your toes in the matter of a second. You eyes open at the surface and you let go of your breath. You're renewed... pure. In the water you can do anything you want. Be a mermaid if you wish, or a fish. Doesn't matter... You're away from everything else in your life. Thats all that matters.

FUCK. I want to go swimming. forget my world.

later days.... :/

Catching up on the facts of my life

I realized I haven't really made this blog a story of my life, more of my perspective on a topic that was consuming my mind at the time. Besides, I'm bored doing laundry at my dad's house so I figured why not? My brother is gone and that gives me full access to his computer for the time being. On that note, a proper update on the life I live seems necessary for when I look back at this in the later years of my life. Forgive my randomness.

As of right now I live up the hill in an apartment in bellevue, which I can literally walk down the hill to my dad's house its so close. My brothers are staying where my sister and I stayed before we both moved out. I'm training to serve at Rock Bottom, which brings home the $$ so I can exist. Noo, I don't go to school right now and I know I should but a break was much needed for me. I've been on a break for over a year now, however that will change in the fall. It better. I seem to have a bit of drama mixed in my otherwise peaceful life here between my friends and job. Most of the time it can get annoying and unnecissary, but I do find myself to be entertained and amused by it.

I've lived here for 4 years now and for the past year or so I've really contemplated moving elsewhere. I would like to say I'm adventuresome because I do like exploring the unknown and to be honest, the Seattle life is really wearin' me down lately. I was thinking Santa Cruz in CA where my BEST friend from childhood lives. I always see amazing pictures of the beach and it just seems like great, wholesome people consume the town there. My brother wants me to fly down to somewhere in asia where his business partner/good friend lives to pursue modeling and I don't think that would be such a bad idea either. WHOLE different life I would have there, which could be very exciting and maybe needed at this point in my life. Yeah those are the only two extreme moves that I would actually do at the moment. Then again, there's always Minnesota to go back to but I left there for a reason and I really wouldn't be looking forward to the 6 months of -20 to 30 degree weather out there again! I need to make a decision soon though because I only have 2 more months before the lease is up for my apartment.

As far as relationships go, I turn the other way. I hate the word love and I hope I don't get caught up in that word with someone for a long time. I want to be free and single for a while. Well, I have most of my life so it should be no biggie anyway. Guys suck and every time I open up to one I get slapped in the face and stabbed in the heart and I'm left lonely. haha ok no more talk about men, I might get violent! Just kidding but almost serious.

haha I ran across some pictures on my brothers profile though and I'm sure the later me would appreciate this!! haha don't laugh 'later me'.

ohhh baby.. I looked damn sexy in the highschool days!! (especially with the swim caps)









haha ok those pictures made me smile and so did my three best girlfriends that just called me! I think I'm about to go drink my night away now and pass out drunk, happy, and alone :)

cheers to highschool memories...

My actions and their opinions.

Today and Last night I realized there's alot of things I'm not proud of. I'm upset with my present and I'm scared for my future but my past I realized I must learn from. I can't look back at my life in regret. I can't let myself have guilt built in so much that I fall and break. My life is MY LIFE and no one elses. I realized my actions and the way I am is what I have to accept, whether I like it or not. I can't be ashamed of the person I've become or the actions I have made. I just need to move on.

Another thing is that I think alot of people in this world can bring you down with their judgements and perceptions of the actions you've made or the actions that they assumed I made. I'm done with people like that in my life. At this point I have found great people that love me for who I am. I'm proud of myself for the people I surround myself with! Before I was too weak, too "kept-in" to let go of people in my life that I don't need. That don't lift me up as a person and help me for the better. BUT NOW it's different. I can easily push people in and out of my life because I realized I don't care what they think. I don't care if I push a guy off and hear him call me a "bitch" or a "dike" or whatever words they use in retaliation. It doesn't matter to me anymore to always feel like I need to satisfy people. The people that are in my life have struck me and stand out because of their personality and what they have to say. I'm just happy to say that I really do like the people in my life and I'm fortunate to have met them. To everyone else that I pushed away or were once in my life, there is a reason why I don't talk to you as much anymore and it's mostly because I don't agree with the way you are. Other people may, but I don't. These people know exactly who they are too.

All I know is, I'm in this on my own so I will make the most of this damn life. And there's not one thing anyone can say or do to bring me to any less. later haters

I can't do this alone.

I looked at the sunset this evening... I see the sky..

I see the earth beneath my feet and I know youre out there. I know you're looking at the same sky as I am, just different grounds. Different lives. Different people surrounding us. One day, it will change. Everything will fall into place I just know it. I don't care what anyone tells me, I know for myself. I feel you everywhere I go. The paths I take, the grounds I step upon. I feel you. I want what I feel and I can't back down until I can make it real. It's killing me now, but keeping me alive. You are my destiny and I have to make it right. I'm in too deep now, so deep that there is no way out. You are my air now. You seep through my soul and conquered my heart. So much that nothing else matters unless you're a part of it. I want you so badly. I need this to happen baby, otherwise I'll wither away and I'll never be happy. I live my live like I'm supposed to and do what I need to to survive, but you keep me balanced. You're real in every way. Tell me what I need to do and it's done. My feelings for you could not be pushed any further because if it does I'm afraid I'll be another lost human without a meaning; without a way in life. You're so much a part of me now that I can't see myself without you. I need you and I don't want to let you go... ever. Don't make me do it, please. I can't do this alone.

Today I took a step back

Sometimes the world seems like a monster. The world consumes you of your individualism, and everyday lives are merely a puppet show of what youre SUPPOSED to do. People walk to where they are SUPPOSED to go, wear what they are SUPPOSED to wear, act how they are SUPPOSED to act to creat an accepting images of themselves. People get caught up in these so-called lives to make ends meet and live how they WANT to live. Sometimes I feel like there is no way out of this puppet show that I'm living right now. I'm living this supposed life to hopefully get a break in the end. I'm not by ANY means where I want to be in at this time in my life, then again I know I am young and I have time to grow. But still, that doesn't seem solid enough. My future is so uncertain to me that it scares me just thinking about it. I want to find a path, or even a base of something that can take me to the top eventually. I want to find it now so I can learn and grow from it. I just don't want to feel like I'm wasting my time. I feel stupid staying at this spot in my life when I know I can do better. I see it happen to people all the time. They finally win the lottery, or they finally meet someone that changed their life for the better, or they finally got a raise and moved up in the company, or they finally got a big pay back from all the shit they have gone through. I want to have something come my way like it has for some of the people around me. I just know I'm better than this.

I know I'm cut out for something in this world. I want to feel needed... belonged. I want to look back at my life and know without question that I made the right decisions in my life and I conquered my destiny..

I must start doing something to put myself out there. I need to find a new job, start working out more, party less, and open my eyes to all the opportunity out there. And it all starts... today!

good morning world.

It's a new year!! woop dee dooo

my resolution:

I would like to cut down my partying and focus myself more on my goals. I want to get more things in my life ACCOMPLISHED.... you know go to bed at night, lay back in my nicely made bed, smile and say, "ahhh... I got alot done today! I'm glad I pushed myself." RATHER than the way I have been, which leans more to me saying, "ughh, I'm so hungover and I got no sleep last night.. when will this day ENDDD."

I know I can do it if I just focus. I feel that everyone is put through decisions they have to make every day. Some people refer to it as their good conscience and bad conscience. I guess you could say that I have been a bad girl lately and I need to shape up and be the good girl I once was. YEAH it may have not been as much fun, YEAH I may have not had as many friends, YEAH YEAH YEAH.,... but you know what?!?! my life will be more put together and I will be a healthier happier person.

ahhhg I want to write more but my good friend just came by to pick me up and hang out SOBER! haha. alright time to fly like I used to. later yo

mik

It's realllly late and I'm awake.

ok. I've been up all day... worked 11 hours... and why am I still up?

I can't sleep and I'm fucked if I have to work tomorrow. whatever.

life seems to be going better each day. but still not good. I keep thinking about what my life CAN be like and what I COULD be doing with it to make it better. Tonight is one of those nights.

I could have cleaned my apartment like I said I was going to two weeks ago, but nope still fuckin dirty. I swear though, every time I get set on cleaning, someone calls me to hang out and do something and shit.. I'd rather do that than sit around and CLEAN. but then I come home to this messy apartment and it brings me down. I disappoint myself somehow every single day.

Not onnnnly that, I feel shitty about not paying my aunt back. I feel shitty about being late to work AGAIN. I feel shitty about not going to school which is what I feel like I'm supposed to be doing right now. I feel shitty about all this debt I'm in. If all that could go away. I'd be level-headed. life would be a breeze.

But if everything was going wrong. every single thing in my life gone completely no where, I would have my baby to come home to and everything would be alright. ugh. I can't believe I said that because I never have felt that way about anyone else ever. I just feel so in love, in a different planet with him. Out of everyone in this world, I couldn't have come accross someone thats more suited for me. I want him in my life so badly. I'm giving all my hopes up on him and I fuckin WISH it all doesn't fall through, but even if it does I really will know how to love someone. what to look for. whos right for me. he's not a waste of time if we don't work out, he's a lesson I'll never forget. I really don't think I can find someone else out there like him though. he's one of a kind and I hope sometime soon he's all mine. If not though, I must let him go. I have to... because if I keep going on like this... I won't be happy and I'll make bad decisions and all the shit in my life thats already weighing me down will add on. I don't blame him for everything by any means but I really can't stop thinking about being with him.. it literally consumes me. hah thats how bad its gotten. I feel like I'll just keep partying and wasting away because I try to escape the fact that I haven't met him yet and it's been so damn long. I need some other sort of alternative..

ok haha I'm insane now if I don't go to sleep. I hope to god I dont have to work. pleaaaaaase amy take my shift1!!!!!!

alright, off to bed I go. hopefully I can sleep.

my prayers are with you bryan, my apple pie.

It's early and I'm awake.

I haven't done this in a lonnnnnnnng time. I actually got a good nights sleep last night with the assistance of the almighty mary jane.

It was cool. I smoked a bowl and said goodbye with my friend/neighbor/work buddy because he was priviledged enough to pack all his bags and drive to california without lookin back. then I left his apartment and went back to mine thats a building away. I sprinted to my place, grabbed some ragu and went up to my balcony. then as he was driving on his way out of here forever, I poured it on his car!! haha he flipped out. stopped looked around and kept driving. but shit I would too if a bunch of red shit just came flying on my windsheild out of the sky!

so yeah. I passed out at about TEN after that. I was so happy for myself. I wanna do this more often.

One thing thats pissing me off right now is I have this ring on my finger, but I CANT GET IT FUCKING OFF!! I tried, I pulled really hard... usually I've been able to get anything off. but no not this time. its stuck. And the worst part about it is.... the fake diamond stud fell out so now it really looks like a peice of shit and I hate having to look at it while I type damnit!

I went shopping yesterday. I got about everyone in my family christmas presents! too bad its costing over 300 bucks. Im so fucked. ahh I love giving though. I think I might buy some more shit too because we get our paychecks on monday! hahahahaha yeha.

my aunt hates me right now. well just disappointed because about 3-4 monthes ago I was in money trouble and she was willing to help me out and loan me 1000 bucks to pay off all my bills. I was having trouble with my bank at the time and we were just moving into our apartment. man though we did not think things ahead. I told her I would pay her off but I've been having to save up every time I get a paycheck and then pay it all off. so now I'm not getting a christmas present from my aunt like I always do and I always look forward to her presents that come every year too. shes like the cool aunt that works for avon and has all this make-up, scents, clothes, and skin products to give me. its like catching up. shiaat. oh well. I'm sending her money back soon. hopefully. I'm trying. life sucks when you dont gots no mooola.

I'm in such a good mood today. haha and everything in my life should be putting me in a shitty mood too! I superwoman though and I can over-power any negativity today.

except for bryan. bryan makes me sad thinking about it. weak too. especially right now. he's about to have an operation tomorrow and its not 100 percent that he will recover fully. I'm praying and hoping and wishing and using whatever spiritual powers that I possibly have so that nothing happens. He's comes out of it a healthier, better. I want him to be healthy. "when youre in pain, I'm in pain." I miss him every second I dont have spent with him. its sad. but hes really showing me what love is. I'm scared and I don't even want to say it with this fucker yet because we havent even MET yet. but I really do LOVE him. it feels good saying that about him. I hope he doesn't let me down AGAIN. afffffter christmas... the end of waiting for the good or the worse will uncover. I'm scared its not going to but I gotta let this whole waiting shit burn out. its wearing me down.

ALRIGHT... I'm STILL in a chipper happy mood still! yeah yeah except I'm still looking at this nasty trashy ring still on my friggin finger. I'm just going to go and have it disappear in the lather I'm about to put on my hair... itsssss showa time!! oh yeah.

later doooooods.

OH it VENTING time... watch out.

AHHH

today sucked. I worked all day and it was normal like always... which is fun. But where I'm at in my life is whats bothering me. I keep writing about this but I can't help it. It's how I feel and I need to let it out. I talk to people alot about my personal life... sometimes I wish I didn't but I NEVER talk about what I'm about to say. I can't stand how I have managed to become what I've become. I think I'm depressed. Because every time I get my own alone time... I think about this shit. If I wanted to I could cry my eyes out right now... thats how I feel. But I won't. Crying is a weakness and I'm stronger than that. I just can't stand living in this body. I want out... I want to run wild in a open feild and fall down on my knees and look into the depths of the sky.. the sun. I want to feel the breeze hit me with my arm wide open, ready to take in what my life has in store for me.

My life is too flushed into daily gossip, drunken nights, the same sh*t I do every weekend, and feelings for people I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH. I'm confused. I hate the feeling and I wish I never let myself fall for him. he's torn me up. I'm breaking and I CANT STAND IT. I'm not even mad at him either. I'm livid at myself though. I should have stayed strong... like I always am.

I need to get out of here... I need to go somewhere else and forget about the present for a while. I want to learn and teach myself new things. And if I'm not going to school right now ... what better time to do it? April is when our lease for our apartment is up. I don't know where I'm going but I'm getting out of here.. Who knows, maybe I won't come back either.

I feel like I'm running in circles right now... yeah. Just when I think I'm about to get somewhere, I realize I'm just back to where I started. And it goes on like a 'vicious cycle.' AHAHDalerk can someone just show me a way? Because apparently I'm just a lost soul making a fool out of myself.

I have more to say ... I always have more to say. But I'm done writing for now... I'm getting a headache realizing this sh!t.

THANKSGIVING!!!#!@#

It's thanksgiving today. And after I read my last blog, I felt like I was just pitying myself. Yeah, I have a shitload of things that aren't going my way right now. And that's expected in life. But I still am thankful for what I got.

what do I got......
I have a family to turn to. Yeah, we fight and we're far from the idealized family but I still have one to turn to.
I have shelter
I have a job that I love
I have a shitload of FRIENDS... I have no clue what I'd do without them. Yeah, I'd probably party less and drink less and focus more... but hey it all keeps me sane in the end.
I have a personality that attracts others. Not to sound conceited, but I love how people love to be around me... I know exactly what to say to everyone I know to make them smile and thats what I fuckin live for man.
Free food that Brian gives me at work every day. I dont have to even pay for food anymore.
I have someone to love. I just am afraid that I'm going to lose it.

REGARDLESS... I need to shower and get ready for the family. hopefully all this goes by smoothly.... stay tuned. hah

I've gone crazy.

ok...

so thanksgiving is coming around and my dad calls. he tells me the plan and who's all coming over and I start to get excited. Then he tells me to get all my shit done because he's been telling the whole family about how much of a fuck up I am pretty much. I sat there. shocked. humiliated and then angry. "WHY DO YOU HAVE TO TELL EVERYONE MY PROBLEMS DAD? why do you have such a sour taste for me every time my name is mentioned?" Then he yells back saying he can't lie to our family. I hung up on him. I started balling. And since then... I've been convincing myself that I'm a bad person. I work and then I party. I sleep little. My apartment is a mess and we still haven't completely moved in. I have bills and late fees. I STILL don't have a fuckin car. I'm in debt. And the only person who I'd give my entire heart to won't meet me. I don't tell him my problems because we are essentially a problem thats waiting to be fixed. I'm so into himmm.

ahhhg anyways, I've been putting all my venting steam into ariana mostly. We function in the same ways and she always tells me what I want to hear. No joke. And its not always optomistic either which is cool. She's real and I love her... the woman amazes me every day. seriously!! without her, I'd be a sunken ship.

I'm a pillow for a ton of my friends. I love to give advice for them and help them out any way I can. I just hate seeing people close to me suffer, when in all actually, I'm suffering. I'm dead in my eyes. I can't live right; the way I'm supposed to. I can't be fuckin normal for once. And I ignore everything that bothers me like a wave crashing over a developing sandcastle. I build them every day and then it's ruined. My life sucks... and I don't care about it anymore. I just want to be happy... and I'll find that any way I can. If not from my friends because they're too busy venting or from my ashamed family then theres always alcohol!! I'm tearing up as I write this... why am I so dramatic? I don't ever want people to see this side of me. I hate it. I just want to be STRONG, be a fuckin role model for once and not always try to destroy myself and my life.

I don't mean to be so fucking depressing but I can't help it. I'm writing because thats what I do. I JUST WANT IT TO FALL INTO PLACE... when will it fall into place? When will I get what I WANT for once? when the fuckk will I get a break? I just want my life to stop giving me headaches. What happened to me? AHHHHHHHH

sick and TIRED

AHADSHFAEWTAHDSFANDSGAFSGHSDG

I'm STUCK. Stuck in my own life. In my own body. Stuck by the gravitational pull that keeps me near all the chaos in my life. I'm stuck and I don't know how to get out of it, and yet its my own fault. I am the my own enemy.

The people in my life that I consider close friends, I now reconsider. I feel like they aren't really there to help me, they just want a pretty girl to party with and can share gossip together. FUCK THAT. I'm done with the ritzy ditzy "he he he he he!" ::twirling hair:: bitches that I've surrounded myself with. I'm done. I want to meet some I can relate to, someone thats SOMEWHAT like me. I seriously feel like I'm stupifying myself and bringing myself lower and far far from what I can be and who I can be hanging out with. THESE GIRLS are practically from another planet! Sometimes I listen to what they have to say and I sit there without any expression or any word coming from my mouth. Only the thought "are you fucking serious? I can't believe you think thats so funny..." Maybe it's me though. I just can STAND those type of girls that are so into themselves and think that their world is alllllllll about finding boys, getting their nails done, going tanning, and of course uhhh partying. I like to party. It keeps my mind of boys that I like and I usually end up having a good enough time where I can forget about it. That is where I usually end up running into girls like the ones I'm talking about.

ok I can probably say who it is because I dont think she'll ever read this but its my roommate sarah. I don't mean to bad mouth people I call my good friends but I can't keep this one in! It's driving me nuts and I know if I confront her about it it would just cause a mess so I figure it's better off if I just let it slide. anyway, heres the story: I've been sick, really sick for the past week or so. She's been around. Hasn't really helped much though as far as being there for me while I'm sick. More on the side like "omg stay away I can't get sick!!" and I'm like cool whatever... when I get sick I tend to get really depressed. not just because I feel like shit. But anytime I had any trouble. my mom would be right by my side. she was so anxious to help me any way she could. I write this and my eyes tear up. I didn't realize how good of a mom she was and now I don't have her, hah I don't even have anyone remotely like her in my life. So anyway, I was sick and alone and depressed this past week. No one was there to take care of me besides my brother that came over one night, which meant alot. I sobbed alot this past week. I cried my eyes out one night, I just couldn't stop. Anyway, sarah would come home and her eyes would just wander when she said hi awkwardly and then she would talk about her day and then she would tell me to clean this or that when I could. I dunno.... I just found it kinda disrespectful man. no love from her I feel like.

THEN, two nights ago, I'm working allllll day long and she calls right as I'm getting off work to see if I needed a ride. I was thrilled that she offered and I waited right where and when she said she was going to pick me up. then, I see her and a work buddy walking towards me. she told she was going to hang out at rock bottom for a while, and not only that she was yayed out of her mind. she offered me some of it to 'clear my sinuses.' I looked at her like she was crazy to say that and then I said hell no. After waiting a while, I begged my brother to pick me up and take me home, and he did THANKFULLY. I went home and pretty much passed out right away. 1 am rolls around and sarah and 4 other people come through the door and sarahs like "hey!! I've invited some people over! wanna party?" I freaked out and wondered why she would bring people over when I'm sick. she barked back at me saying "uhh well you always invite people over when I'm sleeping and I dont say anything" .... like wtf? does she not get that I'm S-I-C-K? I go in her room to try to go back to sleep and she comes in and asks me why I'm crying "is it bryan? is it work? is it your dad?" I opened my eyes and looked at her and said "NO sarah its YOU. now leave me alone."

the next morning I wake up and I noticed they all drank my wine that my brother gave me. I about had it, but instead I go up to sarah and ask "so you drank all my wine huh?" and shes like "uhh no! I don't know who did. must have been someone else... sorry!" and walks away. I know she drank some and she just lied to my fuckin face. AHH whatever man. I'm still hella pissed off at her and she doesnt know. I'm still not quite sure if I should say anything to her about it or if I should just let this whole thing pass. I dunno. lets just say... the next friend I get is not going to be a blonde. haha. serously.

There I goo...

Today has been a day where I've been pulled in all directions. I try to make everyone happy but theres just not enough time in a day to do that. Maybe I just have poor communication or maybe I tend to over-book my days, but with everyone backing out of their orginal plans these days who wouldnt? They all just seemed to be pretty accountable today damnit. I feel like shit now and I needed to express that thought. Now I must do something for myself by going to this meeting to supposedly make my life a breeze in the long run. Until then, I'm eating shit.

Everything else in my life thats been weighing me down is still in the process of changing but I'm still not quite there. I'm talking mainly about bills...

anyways, "I'm on a hurry to get things and I'm rushin, rushin till life's no funn. All I really gotta do is live and die and I'm in a hurry and don't know whyy" hahah

laterrr

SURRENDERED

The way you make me feel is hard to explain...
It feels so real. Its the realist fantasy I've lived.
But what if it isnt real?
What if I've become this character in this fantasy game your playing?
My love for you at this point has no control.
You have me hung like a puppet... reacting to every string you pull.
How did I let myself go this far?
No one has made this deep of a connection with me.
I gladly kept it that way my entire life.
Backed away from any emotional trap that could potentially hurt me.
They'd usually back off from my defenses and were never heard of again.
Then their comes you...
My defenses were strong. I saw the way you were.
You're envied and liked by many and I didn't want you to have my satisfaction.
I let myself ignore what I really felt for you.
I backed you off time and time again, but you held up strong and was always there.
Then I start to become weaker as I'm become more intrigued.
My caution lights towards you were flashing but I kept going anyway.
I tried to stay strong but your words seeped through my soul, my body and took me over.
Then I question.. Where is this going? When will you come around?
I feel insufficiant, unworthy of your time, and taken for granted.
Even when you swear against it.
You ask if I chose you. OF COURSE I have and why?
You've brought out another side in me, a side no one has seen before.
I've told you things, things that no one knows.
I've grown this aching desire, this feeling for you that no one has endured from me.
Why have I chosen you? thats why.
You're it, as much as I want to fight it.
There's not a day that goes by anymore that I don't think about you, miss you.
I feel like I've fallen in that emotional trap I was afraid of all along.
But I fell for you. I fell deep this time. And I'm afraid I can't find my way out.
Tell me what I've done to deserve this time without you.
This feeling keeps growing and it will never end.
And it hurts more every day.
Then I rethink... wait..
I read what I've wrote and I laugh.
I'm stronger than this I just know it.
I'll walk around like you've never crossed my mind.
But the more I try to ignore you, the more I can't stop thinking about you.
You've managed to shatter my defenses and hold me down.
I'm powerless now.
I'm weak and unarmed.
So either take my surrender and redeem the pain
Or kill me out of your life

because I hate living in suspense like this. I cant do it anymore.... I'm sorry.
I love you... too much baby... too much.

I HAVE NO LIFE

SO I figured that LATELY my job likes to schedule me to work weekend night shifts so when I'm off work around 11... I want to go do something but I never have enough energy as everyone else because all I want to do is sit down because I've been on my feet all day... I dont think I've actually gotten drunk for at least 3 weeks now. I haven't really gone OUT like I used to either. And I'm not even that bummed about it. I don't care or worry about where the next crazy PARTY is at. I don't really feel all that bummed when people I know tell me how much of a blast they had on a boat, or how crazy a house party was or whatever it is thats worth bragging about in their book. I've heard it all... been there... done my partying to a point where it was every day. I think thats what people still see in me, but it's really not who I am anymore. I work my ass off all the time and I've started this online bizz... that my mind is somewhere other than finding the next party... My mind is now set on my future, FOR ONCE and not wasted on the present highlife.

I know I'm still going to party hard- I just need to set my goals and priorities straight and shoot for whats best for me and not forget about what needs to be done to get there. I see whats out there, I can either let it pass me by or jump on for the ride, thats how I figure. Shit, at this point, I'll take whatever opportunity is offered at me and try my best to make the most out of it because I have no other choice really. "exist to live, not live to exist"

I also want to find a way with bryan... I know its been this long, but its not really all the time that has gone by that matters. Its the time that goes by day after day, without him. I just haven't known what to do with him for such a long time and nothings really come of it yet. what am I doing I sometimes ask myself... but then he calls, and it makes me smile... and I realize thats why. I love him and it scares me because I'm hurting and its something I never wanted to feel with a guy, because I've seen it happen to so many other people in my life. I wish I had a gameplan, but its not really in my hands at this point. I wish I knew what to do....

anyway, I'm probably blabbering and I'm starting to type with my eyes closed soooooooooooooo mikaela is going to sleep before her next long 11 hour day at FUCKING WORK... whoop DE DOO mother fuckers! good night.
m

Looking AHEAD

For a good portion of my life, I had it together. I had a job, I was always in a sport or being active, a good set of close friends, good grades and relationships with teachers, a loving family, even a freakin family dog. My mind was full of ambition and drive that would find me into new clubs and being highly competitive with grades and sports. I may have even been somewhat of a dork/nerd/loser whatever you want to call it but I was happy. I didn't care! I had everything I needed that would get me by easily in the world. Nothing could stop me and I was never weighed down.

Then life decides to throw a curve ball at me and all the sudden I lose balance.

for three years, I feel like I've been struggling so hard to keep my balance... what I had before. Once one thing changes in your life, even if its the slightest thing, everything gets out of order and you start following another path. Thats what I did. Except it wasn't the best path I could have followed. One thing after another has been coming my way to make my life seem just that much more difficult and I just wish it could stop.

I go to sleep when I can no longer keep my heavy eyes lifted and I wake up like a bullet. I hate sitting around when I know I have so many responsibilities. I think about how it used to be for me every day and how I can get what I had back. But I've dug myself a hole so deep that it can't ever be that way until I can get back to the surface... start at zero again. I just want it all to end. I wish I could lay in my bed forever and forget about it.

All the worries and all the stressors that pop up in my head several times each day either give me a high or a low, but I can't be happy until something goes right. I either run to the high and party my ass off until I feel numb and it goes away. Or let the low take over and I break.

I just feel like I haven't been directed in the right ways. Instead, my life has been forced in different directions where I can get lost easily. All i wanted was a hand, a voice, wisdom. I wanted someone to tell me what I was doing right and wrong, but I lost it. I have no one to look up to now. I guess thats just life telling me to be an adult... but maybe I'm not ready to be one yet. I feel like I'm just using my hands that are scratched bruised and bled to fix life's torn up roads when I could really used some tools to make it all that much easier.

Well, there is hope. I try talking business with people who have the juice and what it takes so that I can figure out what they have that I don't. Annnd what do you know, I start up a conversation with Steven Ramos... He's a year older than me and found himself in the same situation as me a few monthes ago. He told me to start an online business like he did... and if I really want it to work out I could have all the financially stability for the rest of my life. THE REST OF MY LIFE. I can be RETIRED in 5 years. Like anyone, you feel skeptic... and shit I'm a realist. I couldn't beleive this.... but I HAD to. I have no choice but to. I need money. So, I decided I'm going to try my hardest to make this one work out. It's my way out... to be free from alot of those stressors and worries in my head. I've been to two meetings now, and they're amazing. I'm about to go to another on Thursday to get some more mentoring and knowledge about this business marketing network kind of deal. I can't wait though. I want to start NOW! I think I finally found a plan... at least some hope for my future. ahh I can't wait.

And I feel like that was all a sign... there was a reason for this great opportunity to come my way, and god I needed it. I feel like running now. I'll be back around soon for some more insight...

later thoughts